- Okay. Are we ready? All right. - Yup. Ready.
Oh, my God, Ders, come out here!
- Ders! Help! - Hurry! Hurry!
- ADAM: Help! - What are you guys doing up there?
Come on, we got to go. We're gonna be late.
Okay, just give us two secs.
Blake, will you do me the honor of pulling my finger?
Sure, Adam.
I'd love to.
- It's a marble. - Yeah.
- Watch this. - What's gonna happen?
Kerplunk. Kerplunk.
BLAKE: There it goes! It's coming!
(BOTH YELLING AND LAUGHING)
- BLAKE: It's going... - (ADAM YELLING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Is there something out here I'm supposed to see?
It's a... It's a roof Goldberg.
'Cause we're on the roof.
Like Rube Goldberg, but it's "roof."
We should have probably done it in the front yard.
- Yeah. - This is kind of a poor plan.
- There's the guy! - Oh!
- Oh, it worked!
- Oh! - It worked!
(SCREAMS)
(STRAINED) Hold on.
Hold on.
Nope. It went back up.
It went back up in the deep butt.
(BEATBOXING)
(SINGING) I'm fresh
You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta
Gotta be fresh
Can I take these blindfolds off?
- I got hot eyes. - Yeah, dude, come on.
I got to feed my Tamagotchi. I don't want him to die.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Not yet, okay?
I want to record your faces when you find out what we're doing for this year's Ders' Day.
Dude, this better not be lame, man.
I mean, last Ders' Day sucked.
Admittedly, that was the worst day of my life...
- BLAKE: Yeah, terrible. - And a lot of my family members
have died tragically, you know?
Blake's Day rules. Adam's Day rules.
- Ders' Day... - (IMITATES HORN)
Drools. Yeah, you could've finished it.
Well, I think you're gonna be pleasantly surprised
when you find out what I have in store for you this year.
- (ADAM SNIFFING) - What?
I smell it. I smell it.
We're at a mother-freaking Chili's right now,
and we're gonna use that $100 gift card that your grandpa sent you.
- Oh, my gosh! - Yes!
I forgot about that, dude! Yes, dude!
You know how many Triple Dippers we can buy with 100 bones?
Guys, stop. Ready?
Okay, you can take off your blindfolds...
...now, and get ready for the Ders' Day of your life!
Welcome to "Vikings of Scandinavia"!
(FOREBODING MUSIC)
What the fuck kind of Chili's is this?
It's not a Chili's. It's a museum.
You better hope there's a Chili's To Go in here.
Oh, that's what it is. There's definitely a Chili's To Go in here.
- You think? - Yeah, it's a museum.
- It has a Chili's To Go. - Okay.
Chili's To Go in this bitch!
And your card works there, right?
- No... I... - You did check on that, right?
Screw you for taking us to a freaking museum.
These places are... They're a scam.
- It's not a scam. - Yes, they are.
You're sipping the government Kool-Aid. That's what they want you to believe.
Luckily, I never had to sip from that poisonous well
because I went to private school.
You went to private school?
Yeah, I did. In fact, it was wildly private. I was the only student.
I was taught by my mom's special friend, Dr. Jerry Larryberry.
He was, like, a really cool guy.
Like, during the day he'd, like, teach me stuff like history, or, you know, whatever.
And then, at night, he would... He would, um...
He'd fuck my mom.
- Cool teacher. - Yeah, he was cool.
He also was an ex-spy on the run from the government.
He was like, "Don't believe in museums or any of that.
"If you have a question, ask me."
He'd also make me chop a lot of firewood shirtless in the backyard, he was a cool guy.
- Sure. - No way.
Museums, they give me the willies, man.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they are haunted.
I mean, there's mummies downstairs.
There's dead animals hanging all over the walls.
They're all crammed into one building.
- It's bad juju, man. - 'Cause it's fake, yeah.
Guys, there's no "haunted". There's no "bad juju".
This is just a regular, normal museum, okay?
As an executive in charge of our friendship circle,
I say Ders' Day...
...canceled. Blake, let's go home and try
to gain my fart back from my deep butthole.
I like that idea, man.
- Okay. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, okay?
You thought I was gonna really just bring you
to a museum and show you these beautiful fossils...
Mmm-hmm.
And make you learn stuff that you probably should know.
No. What? I brought you here...
To...
Steal...
(CAMERA BEEPS) Erik the Red's helmet.
- What? - Really?
Like, a secret mission to steal something?
- It's a heist, guys. - I love heists.
And we're gonna make this the best Ders' Day ever.
- Heist this bitch. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Very smart. Very cool.
Tell this evil museum to freaking suck it!
And then we'll go to Chili's.
- Yeah, fuck you, museum! - Suck it.
- Fuck you, museum. - You suck!
- Fuck... - Hey!
- Oh, my God! - What is going on?
If you guys don't keep it down, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
You're gonna have to ask us to leave?
What are you, the king of this place? Doubt it.
I am the assistant director of the museum,
and the director is on his honeymoon,
so, yes, for all intents and purposes,
I am the king.
Now, if I catch you causing trouble again, you're gone.
- Understand? - Understood. Understood.
- Okay. - Right. Right.
Congratulations to your boss.
DERS: God, I can't believe we're here. I can't wait to see the helmets
and the... But, anyway, so, the plan...
- Mmm-hmm. - Is that I'm gonna
steal the helmet, and you guys are gonna be lookouts.
- Cool? All right. All right. - Okay.
Hey, Ders, uh, if you could just kind of
make it quick, you know?
This place has some serious Night at the Museum disaster potential.
Yeah, I bet there's, like, hell of ancient tablets just waiting to explode all around this place.
No, probably not,
but here's my selfie stick, and you guys can play with that.
Use it to peer around corners as lookouts.
- Right? - Oh, okay.
I was wondering why you were using it.
I was like, "Wow, Ders,
"What are you, a widowed dentist on a cruise ship or something?"
(LAUGHS) But really, it's a heist tool disguised as a lame thing only losers have.
- Very cool. - Yeah, that's sick.
Yeah, exactly.
So, um, eyes peeled. Lookouts.
Dang, man,
I can't believe Ders took us to the museum.
And I can't believe Ders thinks we're gonna sit around
and be lookouts while he gets to heist.
We're the frickin' heisters, dude. Let's go freaking heist some stuff!
- All right. - Let's heist!
- Okay, what? What are we stealing? - I have no idea. We'll figure it out.
- Let's just go look. - All right.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC)
So it's only $13.99? Is that right?
- That's right. - (EXHALES)
So it's a steal after all.
Wow, look at this.
Museum's so desperate to seem cool they made up, like, a spooky curse.
Okay, dude, curses are very real.
- As you know, I've been cursed... - Mmm-hmm.
With like a very huge, long wiener. (SNICKERS)
I know that's a lie. I've seen your dick. It's very small.
Not hard.
- Oh, my God. - What?
Well, I just figured out what we're about to heist.
You want a smoke a bowl?
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, dude. Yes, I like where your head's at.
But... I don't know, man.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
We just need to find the weakness in the cage.
- What? - (BANGS)
Whoa.
- (BANGS) - What are you do...
- Stop. - Oh, here's the lock.
You just need to wiggle your tiny little spaghetti fingers
in there, and wiggle it free.
Okay, I don't have tiny spaghetti fingers, all right?
- Yes, you do. - No, I don't.
And I don't got a tiny spaghetti dick either.
You do. Yeah, we just covered this. You have a very tiny penis.
I don't. You've never seen it hard.
- I've seen it dozens of times. - Not hard.
I'll just take one of your bobby pins.
- I don't have bobby pins. - Yes, you do.
You have a small dick, and you carry bobby pins.
That's who you are as a person.
- No, it's a pipe cleaner. - Okay, just use it.
I actually have seen your dick hard. Okay...
- Oh, you have? - Yeah.
- Keep a lookout. - Oh, yeah.
- Obviously. - Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Based on the movies I've seen,
you just snap it in,
you look off in the distance,
and you just wiggle it...
(LOCK CLICKING)
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
Are you kidding me? You got it? Dude.
Dude, I didn't think you'd be able to do it this way.
You know, I believe in myself, and that's what it takes
sometimes to be a champion.
I'm impressed. Okay.
Uh...
Okay, she's gone. She's gone.
How do we... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That is a weight sensor.
- Let me do my magic. - I'm gonna step back,
'cause you're probably gonna get killed by lasers or something.
- Huh. - Okay. Guess it wasn't a weight sensor.
- Yeah, my bad. - All right.
- Sorry about that. - All right.
- Let's go smoke a bowl. - All right.
Hey, dude, when did you see my dick hard?
Like, two Christmases ago, you said it was something about the eggnog.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Hey, check it out. Pretty cool, huh?
Are you kidding? It's a bunch of old crap put on mannequins.
No, no, you've got to...
You've got to use your imagination, right?
Imagine you and your friends on a Viking longship,
battling the high seas, and then...
(GASPS)... you discover America!
But in the 11th century. Eat that, Christopher Columbus, right?
I'm only here 'cause my mom dragged me here.
I'd rather be anywhere else.
- You don't like museums? - No one likes museums!
Mom, this giant Ken doll is annoying me.
No, I'm not. You're a Barbie-face poopy mouth.
Smoke 'em, big chief.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(ALARM BLARES)
What did you do?
- That's not us, right? - Dude.
Excuse me. Excuse me, everyone. We need to evacuate the building.
Please move to the nearest exit. No running! Jesus.
- Okay. Hey, just follow me. - Yeah, okay.
You two, let's go.
Yeah, no, that's what we're doing.
We're having so much fun.
- (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY) - You think anybody saw us?
- Hey, you guys. - Oh!
- What's happening? - Guess what? Success!
- Oh! Yeah, it was. - Cool!
All right, man, I guess it was a double success,
'cause we heisted this peace pipe.
- Uh-oh. - What?
Dude, are you insane? You can't steal from the museum!
- Shh. - Why not? You did.
No. I bought this, okay? I lied about the heist
just so you guys would stop complaining and have a little fun.
Well, we had fun, stealing, like you said you were gonna do.
- Yeah. - Who cares?
Let's just get out of here.
Give me my selfie stick. Let's go.
(STAMMERS) Oh...
Where's my selfie stick?
Yeah, actually, we kind of Indiana Jonesed that
at the Native American exhibit.
So you left my selfie stick in there with my phone,
which has a video that says,
"We're going to rob this museum," on it?
Correct?
- Sorry. - Okay.
- Yeah. We did do that. - Okay.
- Shoot. That's a bummer. - Oh, my God, dude.
It's way worse than you think.
What? What now?
My Tamagotchi died.
Oh, no, you all right?
No, I'm not okay. Everything's going wrong.
You know what just happened? We... We're cursed.
- How are we cursed? - We smoked the peace pipe
when there's beef in our crew.
That makes it a beef pipe.
That's, like, Native American 101, dude.
I did not smoke a beef pipe. Let it be known.
Yes, you did, and I smoked the big beef pipe in his pants,
and it's all going downhill, we're cursed, man.
Shh! We do not have time for this, okay?
We need to get that beef pipe back in there
and find my phone before someone else does.
Oh, we need to squash the beef and lift the curse.
Otherwise, this stuff's gonna be going wrong all day.
I can already tell. Look it.
If I get my phone, I'll squash all the beef you want.
- Okay, fine. - Let's just go to Chili's.
Your attention, please. I'm sorry, but since the museum
closes in a half hour, we're gonna close early
so we can check the alarm system.
But come back tomorrow with your ticket stubs for refunds,
and remember, next week, "A Walk With Dinosaurs"!
Exciting stuff!
Boo! This guy sucks!
Shut up. Let's go. This way.
- Go. Go this way. Go. - Ow!
(BEATBOXING)
There's gotta be, like, a side door we can sneak in or something.
Yeah, I'm just trying to massage the fart out of me right now.
Hey, can we focus?
Jeez, Ders, you almost scared the fart out of me.
You should do that. Try to scare the fart out of me.
I'm not scaring the fart out of you.
Fine, then. No more farts.
No more farts in our crew. We don't get to talk about farts anymore.
- We used to love it. - Great, yeah.
You can't block a door. It's a fire hazard.
Get that out of the way.
Will you guys just stop beefing? We have enough beef to squash already.
- Do you like farts? - I love farts.
- Am I in the wrong here? - No, I'll marry a fart, I swear to...
- Wait. - What is this?
Is this bamboo?
You imbeciles brought the wrong shipment!
Do you know how ridiculous it would be to have dinosaurs roaming around in bamboo,
when everyone knows there was no bamboo in the Cretaceous Period?
- I think it's down this way. - Okay.
- (GASPS) - Hide, hide!
So have you ever worked with dinosaur costumes before?
No, but I did the Sesame Street live tour,
and the Snuffleupagus puppet is basically the same size.
- Gone? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, that was close. Okay. - (EXHALING)
- Oh, hide, hide, hide! - What?
Yeah, I did background work on a couple other movies,
- but Frank Oz was a nightmare to work with. - Oh, Frank's the worst.
I was finally like, "You know, life's too short."
Last time I saw Frank, I said to myself, "This man needs to go away, like, forever."
Okay, come on.
DAN: We're starting.
LISA: Oh, I left my gloves in the car.
Start without me. I'll be back in a jiffy.
Oh.
- Okay, the phone's this way. - Come on, let's go.
- Good idea. Great idea. - Yeah.
All right, okay.
- Look how good I am at this. - Get it, get it.
I can do it with my eyes closed.
(SHOUTS) Open your eyes and get it!
Okay, Ders, you almost scared the fart out of me.
I wish. That'd be awesome. I've been looking forward to that fart.
- Yeah, open it please. - Go, please.
- Come on. - All right, got it.
- Here you go. - Give me the phone.
Okay, look, now you have your phone, Ders. Please, will you just squash the beef?
Hey, what in the Dark Ages are you doing?
- Run. - Run!
- Go! - Run, run, run!
Not running. Not running.
Come on!
(PANTING) Where... Where are we going, Ders?
- I don't know. - Stop!
Get them! They're bad boys!
Oh, my God! Run!
- (ALL SCREAMING) - Go, go, go!
- Let me in! Let me in! - (SCREAMING)
(WHIMPERING)
(PANTING)
Shh!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Lock it! Lock it! Lock it! Lock it!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Will you guys please come out?
- Never! - Oh, come on.
We're in the middle of a rehearsal, and we need to finish
so we can get over to the children's hospital.
We're supposed to do a puppet show for the sick kids.
Just come out. We'll let you go.
We don't even work for the museum.
How do we know it's not a trick?
I swear on Jim Henson's life.
Come on, please!
We'll let you try on the dinosaur suits.
- We get to try on the suits. - Okay, that's cool.
- "Jim Henson's life"? - Are they safe?
Are they hot? Are they breathable?
- Are you serious? - Okay, okay. We're coming out.
Okay, how do you make the eyes blink?
- Ah, yeah, this is gonna be cool. - That's like a really cool...
- Heck, yeah. - What the fuck
- Hello. - That's what you get for ruining our rehearsal,
you idiots.
What kind of children's hospital
has a dinosaur party at 8:00 p. M?
Okay, don't you throw logic in my face.
You gave us your word.
I swore on Jim Henson's life.
- Right. - Exactly.
Jim Henson has been dead for years!
We are all students of Brian Henson's.
I should've known that.
- Brian Henson. - Enough.
Watch the teeth, buster. I'll sue you.
BOTH: Brian Henson! Brian Henson!
Brian Henson!
(BEATBOXING)
(BLAKE SIGHS)
- Sit down, and don't move. - (SIGHS)
There's only two chairs. I'm gonna stand.
I hope you little turd boys like getting arrested,
because I'm calling the police.
What's with you and turds?
You've got, like, a weird butthole fixation, and also a fixation on little boys.
You're a pedophile. Ders!
I bet you feel good, don't you?
Because this is, hands down, the worst Ders' Day of all time. Congratulations.
Whatever, man. You didn't even give Ders' Day a chance.
It could've been a nice day at the museum, but no!
Three Caucasian men. They were trying to steal.
- Everything has to be "epic". - Okay, stop yelling.
Yeah, just chill out, Ders.
Oh, do you want me to chill?
I thought you wanted to be epic. Which one do you want, epic or chill?
- We want, like, an epic chill. - No, forget about it, man!
I'll be epic 'cause it's Ders' Day!
Mother... Ders' Day! Yeah!
- (LOUD FLATULENCE) - Whoa.
You just scared the fart out of me.
I know, that's why I did that. Let's go! Come on!
- Hey, get back here! - Let's go!
- Oh, my God. - (LAUGHING)
What did you eat?
I don't know. That's been up there for a while.
- That was in the deep butt. - The smell! I can't breathe!
I'm home!
Oh, happy, epic Ders' Day.
My new favorite cape.
(MIMICS WHOOSHING)
Cool boat! I love it! Yeah!
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
Happy Epic Ders' Day, Erik the Red.
BLAKE: Okay, Ders, look,
I think the police are on their way.
We need to get going, all right?
Who cares!
We're having fun, right?
I'm having fun. Here, here.
- Why? What are you doing? - Here, fight me real quick.
- That's cool, that's cool. - Okay.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
- Oh! - What are you doing?
ADAM: Oh, God. I thought these things were CGI.
Oh, yeah, that does not make sense, Adam.
- Oh, my God. - Ders, look,
I know you're in the middle of a mental breakdown.
I get that, sometimes I throw Slipknot on
and rage in the room, but we need to squash the beef and go.
Blake, I don't have time for beef, pal,
because I am a Viking!
To the 'Vo!
I like Ders when he's like this.
- This is fun. I feel a little concussed. - (ALL WHOOPING)
Hey, dinosaurs,
why don't you go back to being extinct?
- Yeah! - Nice.
Oh, what the hell?
- I'm so sorry. - We're gonna kick your ass!
- Oh, go, go, go! - Oh, crap!
(ALL YELLING)
- Come on, come on. - Go, go, go, go.
- This way. - (ALL SCREAM)
- Oh, Jesus! - Oh, man!
- It's the end of the line, boys. - Oh, my God.
- He escaped. - Damn it, we're trapped.
Wait, there's an exit.
- Oh. - Ah, it's locked!
Forget about it, man, we're toast.
Put the artifacts down now.
- Okay, yeah. - Fine.
Here, there's that.
Guys, I'm sorry I dragged you here even though I know you hate museums,
and I just ruined another Ders' Day, and now we're gonna get arrested, great.
Honestly, it's not even your fault, dude. We were just being selfish.
Ders' Days, yes, they do suck. Admittedly, they're the worst day.
But like, this was a pretty fun one.
- Appreciate that. - Yeah.
Hey, what do you say we squash the beef?
I never knew what beef you were talking about.
BLAKE: Well, just the fact that we've been kind of fighting.
- It's squashed. - Is it squashed?
- Yeah. - All right, wait.
One, two, three, beef squashed!
You know what, screw that guy. Just leave it blocking the door.
Come on, man.
We do that and we're stooping to his level.
That's not what we do at Anderson Delivery. Let's move it.
Yeah, I have three intruders at the Museum of Science and History.
Please come down.
Yeah, you freaking wish, Saul, but sorry, the beef is squashed!
- We squashed the beef! - Squashed! Squashed!
I'm gonna try it.
- Whoa! - Whoa!
- Ah! It worked! - Go!
- Stop it! - It worked! It worked!
The spell is broken and we live again!
I better never see you in this museum ever again!
You hear me? Never again!
Is that a ficus?
(BEATBOXING)
(SINGING) He's insane
(BEATBOXING)
Hey, why do we have to do this again?
- Hey, what... Ow! - Ow, there's thorns.
You guys are gonna find out what's going on. Let's just say that Ders' Day is not over yet.
ADAM: Ders' Day isn't over yet?
All I can say is, it was pretty cool
that, you know, Adam farted his way out of trouble.
- (LAUGHS) That smelled bad. - (LAUGHS) Yeah.
God, that smelled, like, medically bad, man.
Like, seriously, you should get yourself checked out.
I feel like I can still smell it or something.
Oh, and the reason for that is because I did poop my pants.
- Oh, there was some poop in the toot. - A ton of it's actually smeared
on my butt cheeks, I'm gonna have to take off my underwear when we get inside, so.
- Yeah, yeah. - Also, I realized something
about Dr. Jerry Larryberry.
- Who's that? - He was lying to me.
- Obviously. - He actually was a real big liar.
I don't even think he was in the CIA, truthfully.
- I think we knew. - And he, um, jerked me off once.
- Oh. - Obviously, yeah.
That's, like, a no-brainer.
Ah, that's neither here nor there, but remember
when I hit that dinosaur in the head with that sword?
Yes, yes. Ders' Day has been epic.
It's about to get a little bit more epic, and I'm just squeezing through you.
I know you can't see me, but go ahead and take off
your blindfolds and look up.
- Okay. - What... Where are we?
Not straight up, but just kind of up and forward.
- Oh! - Yeah!
- Oh, Chili's! - Ooh!
It's a Ders' Day, baby! It's a Ders' Day, baby! Yes!
- Now we're talking. - Just get in there! Get in there!
We should've just came right here, you idiot.
Uh, I will take...
Three Triple Dippers, one of every option, please.
Yes, and I would like the steak fajitas.
- No beef. Extra squash. - Nice. Good call.
And then an order of wings over buffalo for moi.
And don't forget the...
(SINGS) Chili's...
ALL: (SINGING) Baby back ribs
Barbecue sauce
Okay, you almost forgot the barbecue sauce!
So, basically, one of everything?
- Sure. - Yeah.
- That works too. Just one of everything. - Yeah, yeah.
Nice!
"Indiana Jonesing."
It's... We... We replaced it with a similar sized item.
Your selfie stick.
Thus, countering the waste displace...
We replaced it with a similar item. Your selfie stick.
Thus, countering the weight...
(STAMMERS AND LAUGHS)